We're on our path

January 18, 2013

Yesterday I had “The mom talk.” This talk typically hurls itself forward from an underbelly of despair and anxiety. In these gems of panic, the mother that once seemed ever-more senile with each passing argument, transforms into some third eye mother of wisdom that magically knows how to make the path I’m on feel okay.

However, the difference about this mom talk was that it did not come in the midst of crisis. Arriving home with a bounce in my step after work, I found myself actually civil and chatty, for once not feeling like my family home regressed me back into the tyrannical teens.

Instead of coming from a place of frantic plea, our heartfelt talk about this cleanse tumbled out naturally through a willing openness I had and wanted to share with her.

As I was slithering down my last “detox drink” of the day with a  grimace, she approached the possibility that maybe I don’t need to go that far. From there, she proceeded to sort of snap me back into reason, into a realm I lived where food and diet was the primary catalyst for mind-body shifts and not weird concoctions and supplements. I poured the rest of my drink out and crossed the exotic, pricey extracts for my next stage off of my list. I was being the senile one.

Reading into my anxiety around “doing it right”, she even kicked me off of that horse,

I was concerned that my parents would be the biggest hurdle going into this cleanse. My adolesense had been a whirlwind of disaster and battle with them as I pledged allegience to disordered eating. Every since those years, anything involving me and my food choice concocted fear – warranted or not – and dispute between my mother and I. And so, last night as I stood there openly talking about my reactions to this process it was a blessing to get such supportive praise from her as this:

“I think you can let go of this anxiety. You know, I was worried when you started this but…I think its exactly what you needed….and that you are taking action to change and become more in touch with this…Jo (her healer) always said to me ‘don’t worry, she’s on her path’.”

When she said that, it truly felt like a step I’d been trying to take out of quick sand for ages. Every time I took one approach, I’d fall back in some other awkward position. I suppose that is life but this tie, I actually feel like I’m not choosing half-assed actions.

(This morning was a lot easier to start knowing that I didn’t “have” to drink that dreaded gunk. )