end? beginning?

I have reached the end of the month...and my views on where to go next is worse than the pile-up inducing Michigan flurries we got today.

Last week, when I found myself caught in the throws of feeling comfortably vulnerable and open to guidance and inspiration, my mother mentioned that she was going to be seeing a doctor. This doctor wasn't just any doctor but one of those eccentric hybrid beings that are just analytical and practical enough to be respected but eerily in tune with your spiritual mojo. Apparently he was "all the rage" in her Tai Chi class and one by one, they'd all been coerced into making the 30 minute trek to Fowlerville to see him.

For lack of understanding myself better or for simply not having the time to bother with understanding myself better, I too became easily intrigued by the prospect of yet another person "reading"me - I've seen a few in my time.

So a few days ago, I met Dr. Miller. His office was in some inconspicuous brick building that looked more like a small factory than office spaces. Nothing about his office was "otherworldly" or exploitive of "spiritual healer" types. Even his sessions are conducted in a very straightforward manner of health questions and basic physical commands. But he did a LOT of talking and within the first few minutes, was picking up on some of my innermost insecurities and blockages. He had scenarios and names for emotional and spiritual walls that I hit in my life but cannot articulate. He validated many of the sort of "hypotheses" I'd begun to develop about my journey in this body. And he freaked me out a little.

Besides leaving me with a new set of "cleanse" drinks that he wants me to take for a month, a few natural supplements, and laying out a more permanent food regime (apparently honey is not a good thing for me, as well as nightshades, melons, corn and rye...) he also addressed major emotional and spiritual cleanses that I would need to face. Suddenly my month long experiment was inadvertently being extended.

As I left his office, I was more overwhelmed by the emotional baggage than I was concerned with his dietary suggestions. A month more didn't seem too bad. In fact, it was probably a good compromise. His guidelines allowed for fruits and beans and yams. And after all, he was so accurate that I should at least be curious to see how adhering to his advice affects me.

But the more and more I think about this, the more the question becomes "to what end?" Do you follow these trails to a point where it just merges with who you are? Or does it continually feel like a chore, a worry, another check list? Food should heal and nourish the body so if a food doesn't do my body good, why is there a need for it? But on the other hand, even the healthiest, highest quality food I think does no good if it is not prepared with love and intent. Conversely, food prepared in context of the warmth of a potluck or a shared meals with loved ones on a night out have emotional fulfillment and I could not imagine it would be beneficial to give that up. Because we cannot separate our physical experience and well-being from our emotional and spiritual one.

So right now, its overwhelming because it is new and confusing and I don't know the results yet. But my theory is that I won't benefit from following his rules even to a tee if I don't first know how to communicate with other inner troubles. And part is that I take things too seriously. And so as of now, I think that after this next week or so, I'll take the advice but I also won't shy away from a sweet treat offered or a cup of coffee every few weeks. Hopefully this will strike enough of a balance that it doesn't feel I have to think about this all too hard and can focus on other things.