hungry for more

January 27, 2013

I’ve begun to lose touch with the reasons for the cleanse and feel like I’ve been treating it with sort of a frantic, haphazard air the past few days. With such a busy work schedule, my experimentation in the kitchen hasn’t had as far reaching a stroke as I’d like and I’m repeating more and more meals.

Now that I’m a “fitness” person, I feel like I’ve jumped off the horse when I haven’t gone for a few days. Today, I traded it in for a morning Dance Meditation but it wasn’t quite the exertion I needed.

I just got back from a mourning. The family were friends from long ago and we hadn’t had connection in years, besides that of our Jewish congregation. And sitting in their living room, tightly enclosed by cousins and Aunts and Uncles and friends, I meandered between a settled solemn gaze and eyes closed prayer in my mind’s eye as this parent shook and screamed and tore at his physicality. I sat and took in the raw honesty of soul reaching beyond body and energy just pouring out – cleansing – while I remained, holding a tightness I’ve been carrying for days. Holding a tightness that is congesting and heavy. So what is a cleanse?

Soul investment is part and parcel of this and I have been juggling the logistics of work, fretting about the lack of a social life and poorly managing the little bit that I do have. The food is only a smidgeon and at this point, more variety would probably do me good. However, I hesitate because I feel that before I even give myself more choices, I need to learn how to respond more naturally to the choices I have and come back to a restored sense of patience and curiosity that I had at the beginning of this month. I have been talking a bit with my “cleanse buddy” whose done this for himself to more of an nth degree and in his experience, the months were mostly solitary. I shouldn’t feel pressure to go out and do much. I really need to fully embrace this self reflective period or I will be living with split attention at both ends.