end? beginning?

I have reached the end of the month...and my views on where to go next is worse than the pile-up inducing Michigan flurries we got today.

Last week, when I found myself caught in the throws of feeling comfortably vulnerable and open to guidance and inspiration, my mother mentioned that she was going to be seeing a doctor. This doctor wasn't just any doctor but one of those eccentric hybrid beings that are just analytical and practical enough to be respected but eerily in tune with your spiritual mojo. Apparently he was "all the rage" in her Tai Chi class and one by one, they'd all been coerced into making the 30 minute trek to Fowlerville to see him.

For lack of understanding myself better or for simply not having the time to bother with understanding myself better, I too became easily intrigued by the prospect of yet another person "reading"me - I've seen a few in my time.

So a few days ago, I met Dr. Miller. His office was in some inconspicuous brick building that looked more like a small factory than office spaces. Nothing about his office was "otherworldly" or exploitive of "spiritual healer" types. Even his sessions are conducted in a very straightforward manner of health questions and basic physical commands. But he did a LOT of talking and within the first few minutes, was picking up on some of my innermost insecurities and blockages. He had scenarios and names for emotional and spiritual walls that I hit in my life but cannot articulate. He validated many of the sort of "hypotheses" I'd begun to develop about my journey in this body. And he freaked me out a little.

Besides leaving me with a new set of "cleanse" drinks that he wants me to take for a month, a few natural supplements, and laying out a more permanent food regime (apparently honey is not a good thing for me, as well as nightshades, melons, corn and rye...) he also addressed major emotional and spiritual cleanses that I would need to face. Suddenly my month long experiment was inadvertently being extended.

As I left his office, I was more overwhelmed by the emotional baggage than I was concerned with his dietary suggestions. A month more didn't seem too bad. In fact, it was probably a good compromise. His guidelines allowed for fruits and beans and yams. And after all, he was so accurate that I should at least be curious to see how adhering to his advice affects me.

But the more and more I think about this, the more the question becomes "to what end?" Do you follow these trails to a point where it just merges with who you are? Or does it continually feel like a chore, a worry, another check list? Food should heal and nourish the body so if a food doesn't do my body good, why is there a need for it? But on the other hand, even the healthiest, highest quality food I think does no good if it is not prepared with love and intent. Conversely, food prepared in context of the warmth of a potluck or a shared meals with loved ones on a night out have emotional fulfillment and I could not imagine it would be beneficial to give that up. Because we cannot separate our physical experience and well-being from our emotional and spiritual one.

So right now, its overwhelming because it is new and confusing and I don't know the results yet. But my theory is that I won't benefit from following his rules even to a tee if I don't first know how to communicate with other inner troubles. And part is that I take things too seriously. And so as of now, I think that after this next week or so, I'll take the advice but I also won't shy away from a sweet treat offered or a cup of coffee every few weeks. Hopefully this will strike enough of a balance that it doesn't feel I have to think about this all too hard and can focus on other things.

hungry for more

January 27, 2013

I’ve begun to lose touch with the reasons for the cleanse and feel like I’ve been treating it with sort of a frantic, haphazard air the past few days. With such a busy work schedule, my experimentation in the kitchen hasn’t had as far reaching a stroke as I’d like and I’m repeating more and more meals.

Now that I’m a “fitness” person, I feel like I’ve jumped off the horse when I haven’t gone for a few days. Today, I traded it in for a morning Dance Meditation but it wasn’t quite the exertion I needed.

I just got back from a mourning. The family were friends from long ago and we hadn’t had connection in years, besides that of our Jewish congregation. And sitting in their living room, tightly enclosed by cousins and Aunts and Uncles and friends, I meandered between a settled solemn gaze and eyes closed prayer in my mind’s eye as this parent shook and screamed and tore at his physicality. I sat and took in the raw honesty of soul reaching beyond body and energy just pouring out – cleansing – while I remained, holding a tightness I’ve been carrying for days. Holding a tightness that is congesting and heavy. So what is a cleanse?

Soul investment is part and parcel of this and I have been juggling the logistics of work, fretting about the lack of a social life and poorly managing the little bit that I do have. The food is only a smidgeon and at this point, more variety would probably do me good. However, I hesitate because I feel that before I even give myself more choices, I need to learn how to respond more naturally to the choices I have and come back to a restored sense of patience and curiosity that I had at the beginning of this month. I have been talking a bit with my “cleanse buddy” whose done this for himself to more of an nth degree and in his experience, the months were mostly solitary. I shouldn’t feel pressure to go out and do much. I really need to fully embrace this self reflective period or I will be living with split attention at both ends. 

Phase two

January 25, 2013

I have just completed my first week of phase “two” of the cleanse. The food got a little more exciting while I got a little less so. With the initial glacial break of eating habits in the first half over and done with, the process is now more like a glacial melt with changes happening every day I’m sure, and yet get passed by my eyes almost unnoticed from day-to-day. I am certainly still enjoying where this is going. I am just getting a bit worn by “all work, no….work.” When I’m not working, I am spending time sifting through an endless backlog of personal goals. I’d say this overwhelming list feels like a web but at least those have cohesive connections. No, the projects in my brain appear more like glitter bombs. Everything is so shiny and I just stand there, intrigued and confused. I usually end up tackling the least important tasks, peeling the skin away and then throwing out the juicy parts. Or I work on something for someone else.

The one personal project I’ve managed to be consistent with is my exercise. As I promised myself, I managed to do some kind of significant exercise every day this week. On Tuesday, my mother and I went to a free yoga class at A2 Yoga which was kind of a bust on a body that hasn’t done yoga for weeks. The woman teaching was very much a “go getter gal” and she had us in a perpetual loop of Chatarangas (plank poses slowly lowering in a push-up motion) for almost the entire class. I made it back to the fitness center a few times also, this time coupling my meandering regime with structured classes. I can handle running on a bike for 25 minutes but after that,  I’m at a loss. Yesterday, I finally had the gusto to go to the center of the room and try out one of the weight contraptions attached to lengthened pully mechanisms. Up until that point, I’d stuck with the more compact machines that sort of shelter you fro being seen as you explore whether or not you can work the damn thing. The two that I tried are ones worth getting comfortable with, as they both work some major arm muscles.

Testing out the different classes has been fun as well. This week, I stuck to the basics of yoga and a weight/stretch class but next week I’m going to branch out into some dance moves. Oy, soon enough I  might be shaking pom poms.

All of this working out is a lot of…work. I mean, besides my muscles feeling it, it takes so much time to fit it into my schedule. But one of the things I’m beginning to learn more and more is how things come together through phases and stages and that I will develop this for as long as I need to and my attention will shift when ready.

Another thing that is taking up my time is recipe searching. Right now, I’m soaking and sprouting some grains for different crackers and breads. I’ve also decided to get back into some sauerkraut-making. 

Juice!

Just because I finally fixed an instagram issue on my phone and can now share visual excerpts of my big juicing bonanza

Still waking up...

I once read about a study that showed there was a small percentage of individuals whose energy level, efficiency and mood became categorically more functional on less sleep. Over the past few days, I had begun to wonder if this diet of mine had revealed a hidden trait.

False alarm. 

The concept of “tired” apparently re-enters my atmosphere after:

-Driving to Grand Rapids at 6am to:

-Put on a meal and free market from 12-5

-go to a late movie

-drive home at 6am

-go to the fitness center for two hours

-hop over to a side job for two hours

-go straight to work

It was a bummer to feel a rekindled grogginess when I woke up this morning. Because that energy felt like a tangible way the cleanse was “proving” itself. My mind needs to come down from its power trip and realize that it is a normal-people thing to get tired after chug-chug-chugging.

Because of all of the travel and running about, I haven’t been able to cook a lot. My go-to snack had become cucumber or celery slices and I have since begun to accept that one of my sensitivities is a whole lot of raw veggies at once. They’re so crispy and crunchy and delectable but I feel so easily full by them and they’re not very efficient, nutrient-wise. I’ve been trying to get in the habit of eating more nuts instead.

Whole grains have felt pretty good to me also. This morning, I made Buckwheat Oat Bran pancakes. Really simple and moist and tasty.

Now that I’ve started adding more variety to my food, I’ve committed myself to daily exercise. I’m mixing up fitness center days with more relaxing mornings at home. I still feel a bit like a cat trying to climb like a monkey at the center. My routine starts out with getting on a bike thing for a half and hour (my favorite isn’t quite a bike and isn’t a running belt) and then I proceed to meander around the floor fumbling all the levels on the machines. After reading those instructions on the sides that no one ever looks at and finally putting together all the pieces, the look on my face is akin to those little Toy Story aliens get when they see the claw: “Ooooh Machines at work!”

My arms are pathetic. I’ve dabbled at some research on the kinds of things I should be eating before or after in order to gain muscle but all I’ve found so far are buff guy sites all about protein shakes and snack bars, neither of which I am remotely interested in getting into.

So, I’m not quite sure where to take it with this blog. Should I just keep rambling? Is there an aspect of the experience that you may be curious about for your own knowledge? I could use some feedback on how to structure this because I feel at a lull at the moment….

Thanks!

Melissa

A blabber-post (no great writing here, folks)

January 19^, 2013

Sugar is in everything!

I did some shopping in anticipation of the new food horizons that lie ahead of me tomorrow (millet, buckwheat, whole grain rice, nuts, Keifer, unsweetend almond milk…..) and let me tell you: On this cleanse, you really start to notice all those unnecessary sweeteners. Why is there sugar in vegetable broth? Pizza Crust?

I’m great at making my own soups and cooking mush but when it comes to bread, crackers and chips…I’m hardly on the spectrum. But with all the sugared store-bought alternatives, I am going to be making many more kitchen messes soon.

I think the most exciting thing about this so far has been that its getting me to look at new recipes and ways of having meals. Because its introducing the most basic elements little by little, I don’t feel like I have so much white noise in my mental recipe box or excuses for convenient alternatives.

I assure you, there will be many food pictures popping up on here in no time

I have gotten many a pity–party look from my co-workers during recent lunch breaks. I admit while I love the color green, my shrubs are more reminiscent of a prison meal next to their warm soups and exquisite deli selections. Its difficult to strip the scenario away from connotations that are usually reserved for dietary zealots and the bo͝oSHwänese of the 21^st century health craze. So this next bit is going to sound pathetic: I expanded into kombucha and a rice cake tonight!

I told you. Lame. But honestly, I feel like a child learning their first words. Everything is distinct. The flavors sink into my tongue and I find myself actually thinking about the relationship I have with the experience. The rice cake is the perfect example. What I normally considered a textured pallet for a craved condiment, I was sampling with acute attention to the subtle differences in the two kinds of rice used.

All of this being said, I do not wish to become a rice-cake savoring bigwit that talks about the latest whole-grain cracker craze.

Have any of you ever seen Portlandia? I’ve only watched the first episode but know there could easily be an Ann Arbor knock-off show. Working at a place like Arbor Farms, I am forced to own up to my own participation in the hoity-toity end of the “eco-living/veggie-lovin/yoga-doin’” populace. But every day, I see design plans and formulas for living through customer’s groceries, all in the forms of packages and over-priced snack bars that you could easily make at home. There are numbers and vitamin levels up in everyone’s headspace.

I am grateful to be able to eat the way I do now, choosing to cleanse my body and treat it to a few nice things. But for me, this is about finding the basics that nourish me so I can apply them anywhere because I think the difference in groceries and cooking is that Groceries are thought out and cooking is felt out.

“Feeling will get you closer to the truth of “Who are you” than thinking

– Ekhart Tolle 

We're on our path

January 18, 2013

Yesterday I had “The mom talk.” This talk typically hurls itself forward from an underbelly of despair and anxiety. In these gems of panic, the mother that once seemed ever-more senile with each passing argument, transforms into some third eye mother of wisdom that magically knows how to make the path I’m on feel okay.

However, the difference about this mom talk was that it did not come in the midst of crisis. Arriving home with a bounce in my step after work, I found myself actually civil and chatty, for once not feeling like my family home regressed me back into the tyrannical teens.

Instead of coming from a place of frantic plea, our heartfelt talk about this cleanse tumbled out naturally through a willing openness I had and wanted to share with her.

As I was slithering down my last “detox drink” of the day with a  grimace, she approached the possibility that maybe I don’t need to go that far. From there, she proceeded to sort of snap me back into reason, into a realm I lived where food and diet was the primary catalyst for mind-body shifts and not weird concoctions and supplements. I poured the rest of my drink out and crossed the exotic, pricey extracts for my next stage off of my list. I was being the senile one.

Reading into my anxiety around “doing it right”, she even kicked me off of that horse,

I was concerned that my parents would be the biggest hurdle going into this cleanse. My adolesense had been a whirlwind of disaster and battle with them as I pledged allegience to disordered eating. Every since those years, anything involving me and my food choice concocted fear – warranted or not – and dispute between my mother and I. And so, last night as I stood there openly talking about my reactions to this process it was a blessing to get such supportive praise from her as this:

“I think you can let go of this anxiety. You know, I was worried when you started this but…I think its exactly what you needed….and that you are taking action to change and become more in touch with this…Jo (her healer) always said to me ‘don’t worry, she’s on her path’.”

When she said that, it truly felt like a step I’d been trying to take out of quick sand for ages. Every time I took one approach, I’d fall back in some other awkward position. I suppose that is life but this tie, I actually feel like I’m not choosing half-assed actions.

(This morning was a lot easier to start knowing that I didn’t “have” to drink that dreaded gunk. )

All Hail the Avocado!

January 17, 2013

For ages, I have shunned this glorious egg of slime. Its edges to spiny, its innards too goopy. Its effects to deadly to highly allergic friends.

All I can say is: thank you for sticking around until I needed you.

This morning - day six – I was sent a plea bargain from my body. While being able to sleep in more easily has been pleasant, there is a line between a well-rested and well-weakened body. I will say, having a cat that has recently developed an unbreakable pattern of nuzzling as physically close to me (and on me) as possible for the entirety of the night does not help in the morning routine factor. However, even after I evaded the cat obsticle and finally arose from bed, I had to lie down for a few minutes again. Everything felt sluggish. My breath a bit shallow. My body a bit shaky. Just the thought of drinking another detox drink had my stomach on a merry-go-round.

By the time I made up the drink and mixed it into a smoothie, I was feeling a bit more stable. But the magic didn’t begin until I  dug a spoon into my first avocado. Its meaty, buttery flesh was like pudding. I could almost physically feel the nutrients going down my throat.

In this phase, there is little I can do about dense nutrients. I’d probably have to spend a weeks worth amount of grocery money on vegetables for the day to get enough. The avocado is about the only thing on the list besides my oils that has some legit macho credentials. One avocado contains:

-300 calories

-more protein than any other fruit or veggie

-has one of the most diverse spectrums of Carotenoids, organic pigments in produce that work to protect against free-radicals, rev your immune system, and provide Vitamin A, among other things.

-Uber-source of Monounsaturated and Polyunsaturated fats

-great as an anti-inflammatory for joints and the like

-contains a rare makeup of 7-carbon sugars which results in an acute regulation of blood sugar and a unique and beneficial way of metabolizing nutrients

The list goes on. I just know it woke me up.

That being said, I think I am discontinuing phase 1 of my cleanse beginning Saturday or Sunday instead of Tuesday. I was fortunate enough to come across an article yesterday about quiting. The whole article was about how quitting should not be looked at as weak but, when done with mindfulness and authenticity, is a sign of decisively holding to your values and understanding what is or is not working for your journey. I think it’s a great exercise for coming into your own and the perfect reminder that nothing is a blanket solution for every person. In my case, given my physical history, make up and the fact that as far as I know, I didn’t have any major Candida issue to begin with, expediting the process to include more nutrient dense foods would be beneficial to my body.

Until then though, I’ve got a new buddy.

I leave you with some more, quirkier facts about the avocado (or “Alligator Pear” as commonly called in its Native Central American lands)

-Aztec word for avocado is ahuacatl and means “testicle tree” (okay some disadvantage points there)

-Spanish explorers called it aguacate because they couldn’t pronounce it. Thus, Guacamole came to be.

-On average, 53.5 million pounds of avocado are eaten on super bowl Sunday. That’s enough to cover a football field over 20 feet thick.

Back to work

January 14, 2013

Greetings and good night to day five!

Like with most peoples vices, you start out strong in the morning and on those worst days, finish with a splat. No, I didn’t splat but I am definitely noticing that the little foodie munchkins in my head get a little more rowdy as the day turns to night.

Its strange though. Its been hard and not hard. The cravings are there but I don’t think they are real. I am feeling full and I think I am actually feeling more energized than usual.

Today was a big test, as it was my first day back at work after almost a week off. Not only that, it was the impending 12:30-9. I find this one to be the hardest cause 12:30 still feels like almost morning and 9 is well, close. So you lose both ends of the day. However, today went by incredibly fast! I probably could have even kept going another hour. Vesna, the ever-blaze thinks that I am insane. Shelby says "hardcore." Karen is bewildered.  None of the reactions have really fazed me. This whole thing is a mystery. I don’t know if I know how effective it is yet but its certainly reignited a will that was hibernating.

That aside, I will not mind digging into some grains next week. I have to keep telling myself this because I am one that will keep pushing myself when I initially mean to do one set thing. This cleansing stage is a recommended 7-14 days and I committed to the 7. I can’t allow myself to push any further than that. Luckily, the more I read, the more it is seeming unlikely that Candida is or was a major issue for me. Apparently if you have a good immune system and are fairly healthy, the likelihood is slim. So I can safely assume that I’ll be pretty decently cleansed in a week.

My biggest challenge until then will be to keep things interesting. I’ve been hard-pressed to find all-veggie smoothies that don’t sound like they’d be a drag to chug down. So far, I’ve been content with Parsley, Cucumber, Celery, Kale, Spinach and lemon juice. I can’t do tomatoes or carrots, so what else is there? 

This limited list has me trying new veggies and working with them in new ways. It also has me using a lot more oils and paying attention to spice combinations more acutely.

Today I bought avocadoes and an artichoke. I’ve only ever steamed artichoke and only ever put avocadoes in brownies. Anyone have other preparation tips? 

Food?!

I am eating real food! 

Well, it may not be real by normal people standards but I can sure tell you it feels real to me after two and a half days of fasting.

I’m feeling a whole bunch of other unexpected things as well. On day four:

-I woke up with the aftertaste of Billy Goat Supreme. A sign it’s the day to start eating again.

-Having tangy things like lemon juice feels like putting my throat through electrotherapy.

-I feel like I’m moving slowly, but more clearly. I think the speed to clarity ratio will balance out after lunch.

-I’m releasing a lot of snot….and other things.

-I’m beginning to understand what hungry is.

Part of my apprehensions as I entered into this cleanse had been related to the confidence I have in assessing my own body. How will I know if things are changing?! Perhaps it is the fiery Saggitarrian in me but I tend to get mentally wigged out if something new isn’t feeling dramatically new. However, this radar for “BIG” indicators constantly has me overlooking “BIG” indicators.

Three days sounded itsy bitsy to me. It wasn’t.  And the week to follow sounds like a synch. Veggies? Ha! I laugh in the face of Veggies! Hahahaha! Translation being, Lion King reference aside, I eat a lot of veggies. How will this week be any different.

These blinders I put up have allowed me, for better or worse, to launch into a myriad of new endeavors because its only after I’m in them that I start to consider the full scope of what it required me to do to get here. Its like a delayed pat on the back from a preoccupied parent. “Oh! Oh my, dear! The house is looking gorgeous! When did you do that?”

Its not that I don’t read about what I’m launching into. Its just that I don’t do a lot of mental preparation. Mostly, my outlook is “well, if its gonna happen, its gonna happen.” Like I said, I need things to hit me BIG.

So now on day four, I am gradually starting to appreciate the scope of this contract I’ve signed onto. Almost as though unbeknownst to myself, I have cut out Coffee, Honey, Apples, figs, my daily Kombucha fix, hot sauce and baking endeavors. And those are just what normally make up the staples of my life. A more comprehensive understanding of what I’ve cut out is actually expressed better by what I’m still allowed to have.

A la the guidelines of Candida, I am to consume only items from the following menu for the next week:

Veggies:

Artichokes

Asparagus

Avocado

Beet Greens (the beets are too starchy)

Broccoli

Brussel Sprouts

Cabbage

Cauliflower

Celery

Collard Greens

Cucumber

Dandelion Greens

Eggplant

Endive

Garlic (raw)

Green Beans

Kale

Kim Chi

Leeks

Lettuce (all)

Okra

Onions

Radish

Sauerkraut (raw)

Seaweed

Snow pea pods

Spaghetti Squash

Spinach

Summer Squash

Swiss Chard

Zucchini

Herbs and spices/Seasoning

Basil

Black Pepper

Cayenne

Cilantro

Cinnamon

Cloves

Cumin Curry

Dill

Garlic

Ginger

Nutmet

Oregano

Paprika

Rosemary

Tarragon

Thyme

Tumeric

Sea salt

Lemon juice

Oils

Virgin Coconut oil

Olive oil

Going into this, I wasn’t thinking how much that meant I would actually be cutting out. But it really is a lot for my body to be letting go of. I am sure I’m in store for something BIG.

9:20pm

I am feeling more patient and alert with people. However, my muscles are moving in slow motion. I am going to have to learn the meaning of taking it easy.

Also, at this point in the day, I seem to take a 180 from the earlier parts of the day. Why am I doing this? How is this good for the soul? Damn, even those oreo cupcakes look good right now.

I am foreseeing that this is not my style. I think the drastic difference that a month without sugar will make will be wonderful. But I don’t think its going to make me make me cut anything out completely. Its all about moderation. I am just never going to use the holidays as an excuse to put that by the wayside anymore. And I’m going to keep a more varied active life.

Also, while I vouch to stick out this month, I have reached the first line I will not cross. Tonight was supposed to be my first dreaded “liver detox” drink. Just thinking about it had me squirming all evening, not wanting to arrive home. The concoction consists of a cup of water (my new best friend), a small chunk of ginger (okay, a little zesty) a tablespoon of oil (that sounds slimy….) and a clove of Garlic (yes, that magical cleansing pearl of a bulb that makes me absolutely nauseous). In my anxiety over the garlic, I overcompensated a bit on the ginger. It’s amazing how a cup of water can look so small by itself but poured into a glass with these guys, its like someone asking you to drink a gallon of milk. I got three sips in.

 So. Dear Liver, I love you. I understand you are a vital organ that works day and night to put all my nutrients in check and do some fab internal housekeeping. But really, your going to have to find another favorite food. I take you out to eat at some pretty great places. I think you will find, over time that the properties you so admire in garlic can be obtained in a number of alternative ways. And I promise to give you hugs and praise every day. Love is all about connection, not food - right?

So lessons learned today:

-There is nothing I won’t crave after like, 6pm.

-Liver drinks, be gone

-don’t take this so seriously and you’ll get through it

The fasting in brief

I kept feeling like they were the bulk but they are just the beginning.

Admiring those Acetic guides who live on life force breath alone, I saw no reason to stop my day to day activities. On Sunday, I ventured to a Nia Dance class at A2 Yoga. It was full of energetic, transfixing music and a lot of expressive swaying and kicking. I enjoyed it but about half way in, that nusiance of a headache came back and I realized maybe I wasn't quite at monkdom. I went to go watch copious amounts of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with my friend Louis afterwards but the downtime didn't allow the headache to subside. It did make me to worn out to think about even wanting food, though. By four, I was in bed for a nap.

At 5:40, I awoke to a different landscape than I’d left. It was dreary and the rhythmic beat of rain transported me to a different place. For a moment, I thought it was Monday.

Saisha came across my chest to nuzzle her head into my neck. I wondered if she was living out her namesake, protecting me from the unforeseen direction that this experiment will take me in.

I keep thinking about what Mari said about her friends that tried to live on a raw and then vegan diet and one by one essentially became brain mush. I’m thinking about her statement of eating everything cause she wants to be able to have a body that tolerates it all. By doing this cleanse, will I become less tolerant of things I still want to enjoy?

I have been impressed with how I just cut out caffeine like that.

And I have been getting more sleep and drinking more water.

I keep shifting between these dramatic outlooks and then realizing “hey, if it doesn’t “work”, it doesn’t work. I can try again with something else some other time. The break of sugar is really what I need anyway. And I’m not that badly off the tracks from the holidays as long as I start getting into an exercise routine.”

That’s another thing I did today. Decide I am joining the fitness center tomorrow. It feels kind of unlike me… I always thought it was ridiculous to pay that much for some “organized” way to move your body when you can move your body wherever you go. But every time I’ve gone there or even when I used the bike at Katie’s house…I feel really good afterwards. 

The second day wasn't even a sweat!

....ha. 

I woke up with sore, achy muscles. I have been tossing and turning quite a bit – I think from anxiety around this – and I found myself curled into various shapes and sizes throughout the night. Not to mention I tried the Epsom/water combo on a whim yesterday and a) it tasted horrid  and b) I am pretty sure it was the cause of some sea-sickly nausea feelings in the middle of the night.

So all of that was before I was even coherent.

Now that I’m not sick anymore and I’ve stored up all these extra sleep points, I’m no longer sleeping in as easily. I was ready to be awake by 7 but forced myself to stay in bed for another hour

I was in and out of bed a couple of times and each time I felt a little dizzy and every step felt tiring. By the time I officially arose, I had the chills and thought the quakes would be coming soon after. Mother found me to say goodbye before her work day started right around then and she asked how my fast was going. I opened up and told her that I wasn’t sure I should continue for the day. My stubborn disposition usually coerces me into holding back on admissions of that sort, feeling like it is weak or just wanting to be able to sort it out myself first. But I was really glad I opened up to her because I was butting heads against myself trying to find information to back up my gut feelings and I couldn’t just listen to my gut. As I explained my qualms a little further, I started to get a bit teary. I told her I just wanted to see fast changes….and I didn’t know what they were supposed to look like…I didn’t want to just be giving up. She reminded me that there are plenty of ways of fasting and cleansing and we agreed on the point of at least adding in broth for my final day.

I went out shopping for things to get me through my first few veggie days and made my friendship bread (Its like having a pet) And then I went and got a membership at WCC! I was there for about 2 hours and my feelings of frailty had worn off. Afterwards, I visited Anna, Maggie and Adam to give them their bread starters (that makes more and more pets!). So the day did end up going by more easily than I thought. I think I am learning to get comfortable with the patience that this takes to start to feel its worthwhile but also the balance of knowing what is good for my body. The broth really helped me get through the rest of the day. I also began to combat the notion that I have to feel weak of mind when I’m fasting. I actually felt a bit more “in the moment” speaking with friends than I thought I would. I need to start believing in my mind as a powerful mechanism.

 

It started with a dream...

...In the dream, there was an icy blue expanse. In the expanse was a feathery flowing trellis. Attached to that trellis was a weightless gown. In that gown was a serene girl. And that serene girl had magic powers. These powers were patience, insight, compassion, creativity, an ability to stop time...an ability to be a dozen of her at once so she could actually be all of those things....

Okay. So I didn't really have that fantastical a dream. But I might as well have.

My vision of a cleanse came as a package. After a summer of good hard physical work and a lot of outwardly-extended mobility, I had spent the last fall months concocting a vision of a winter wonderland dreamboat (on this icy blue expanse, of course.) Moving back to Ann Arbor with little else on my plate but to have a job, I imagined this winter to be one like no other. Adjectives that fit my design would be: Introspective, quiet, pure, clean, reflective, renew, community! In other words, I mistook myself to be that inhuman super-woman in that dream.

Part of this vision was a cleanse. The cleanse was to be the soil from which I grew these qualities. It was to get me back in tune with my body and therefor more apt and willing to embody everything else more fully.

Well, I forgot to factor in a couple of things. First:
-Having a job actually means having a job. Apparently the way it works is that once you land one, its no longer this conceptual symbol of financial stability. You actually have to show up in a physical, mobile mass and carry out tasks to get money.
-The HOLIDAYS. Someone should make this into a cult horror film with an anti-capitalist political bent to boot. Seriously. I'm not even religious and here I was making three-page long lists of friends that needed gifts. And then the parties: Hanukkah party, last night of Hanukkah party, Christmas eve dinner, Christmas brunch/lunch/dinner/whatever you do, my birthday, some earth day, end of the world, not-end of the world, parties just cause "hey - its a world!" By the end of December, I bet Americans could make a thousand new Americans just by the extra body mass they've managed to collect.

So I got sideswiped by the holidays and this job thing. After that month of thanking God for being all God-like, I just want to thank God for January and February: the months that don't give a flippin' woot about praising and probably accomplish more in terms of the well being of humanity as individuals and community.

Now, most people it turns out have some sort of external guide or support system for these sorts of endeavors. I did some research and compiled a semi-concrete plan - there are some really weird things out there...like one where you just eat apples all the time...and drink Epsom salt - but I have no compass but thine. The plan I ended up choosing to follow most closely is the Candida diet. Candida is a type of fungus that feeds of sugars and yeast build up in the body. There are a couple of ways to test for it but I knew I didn't even need to bother. Despite all of the roughage and health-nutty food I eat, I have a major sweet tooth. And it had definitely gone over board with the holidays. Now, the Candida diet starts off with a cleanse of 7-14 days but I had been reading more and more about the benefits of fasting as a great way to flush out the body. It felt like a good reset button to me and so I added that to the bill.

I'd plotted the days - I'd start Saturday evening and end Tuesday morning -  and had it all sorted out but wasn't really sure how one was supposed to prepare for such a transition. I talked to one of my managers at work who is sort of a fanatic about these things and he recommended I start mostly eating raw foods a few days before....and then I got sick! That Thursday, after two hours of working with a splitting headache. Nausea set in. I reluctantly gave in my hours (and just in time for Nausea to set...out)  and then proceeded to spend the evening and entire next day in and out of bed. This easily solved the problem of how to transition because already I'd had to become a food ascetic. By saturday evening, I was determined and primed and simply just stopped.

My last food was an apple.

And trust me, it will be my first treat at the end of this month.